i slept at 10pm, and now i'm bloody awake. can't go back to sleep. first thing i do is reach for my hp to text bb asking whether he's asleep. no reply, means he's in la la land. usually he'll be awake at this timing, prolly he's tired cuz he went fishing earlier. 2nd thing i did was wake nysha up to ask her to sleep beside me, but she just responded with a grunt. means she won't wake up to entertainment my nonsense. 3rd thing i did was shift to my mum's room to sleep, but i forgot that mummy is working night-shift. means i'm insecure all over again. uggh. 4th thing i did was went back to my own bed just staring into space and listening to some filipino main arguing with bf on the phone. it's so eerily quiet and i felt bored. thinking of so many things like why am i bloody awake man, or y did i took 2 days leave and just stayed at home, or y the hell i am broke at this timing. thinking of earlier conversation with eliza, she's getting engaged, so happy for her, but leaving me this familiar feeling of "when's my turn",. wondering of nadia in phuket. she must be really really enjoying there with breathtaking views. till i'm bored of thinking, 5th thing i did was on my lappie and surf aimlessly, going to facebook, facebook and facebook. checked her out again. dun want to become some pyscho bitch but cannot help it. oh and i miss my friends. my muthafuckas. i miss shopping. i miss just going out. i miss ash'raff.

so, i'm chatting with some random ppl at msn. haha. wonder y they're not asleep too.

gd morning.

to my baby boyyyyyyyyyyy muhammad ash'raff (nk letak ic no. boleh?)

i love love love love love love love you so so so so so much ok! there's no one else better than youuu. <3.

thank you for always being there for me.

muahh muahh muahh,

miss youuuuu. :P

i tink it's me all along. or is it that i find it easier to blame it on myself for an alternative for a conclusion. sometimes it's not even a big matter, letting my ego taking over me. but for just an obvious reason. to prevent old wounds from appearing again. but does that mean that i'm not moving on? - i doubt so, perfectly well that selfishly i dun give a fuck bout old flames though i sumtimes do have a soft spot for them. after all, watever happens shapes who we are today. this i agree. . .or does that mean that i'm not being myself? - i fear old, ugly bad habits will only sabotage things and makes things worse. oh believe me, it drove him (was) away and it's not a pretty tale to be telling ppl about. after every fall and broken pieces and picking it up again and broken to pieces again and picking it up again, i tried to be a better person. keeping mental notes on what i should or shouldn't do. wat i could or couldn't do. it's freaking tedious, sometimes all i wanted to do is run away, away from everyone, everything, every sight, every noise, every light. but if i do, does it mean i'm giving up? does it mean i'm not stronger than before? i thought what doesn't kill u makes u stronger? . . . i'm not stupid nor i'm being ignorant. i love the idea of ignorant is bliss. but then i would only be a fool. after everything, i keep asking myself when does this chase end? y am i still running when most are at the finishing line. wat is it that you want me to see, god? wat is it that i still need to do mistakes and learn from it? back of my mind i knew that everything happens for a reason but my patience is running out. or is it that i'm expecting more from you, or have i taken you for granted. or is it the other way round. or is it just a viscious cycle. i bet it is. . . when asked to give some of my lifestyle up, it's not hard, really. in fact it's fucking simple, just let go of it. then y am i hesitant? cuz i need to know, are you worth it?

i wanted you to be worth everyting. i wanted you to be my forever.

but i noe, i am not letting it happen, in a way.

this week have not been a good week. i should have listen to nysha. i am only inviting trouble which is totally avoidable. me and my stubborness. haiz. have been broke. money makes the world go round and round. and it actually CAN buy happiness. haha! the other half have been bz working, looking forward to meet during weekends. it's so toturing to not be able to squeeze time for each other. boo! get to meet my muthafuckas. it's been ages since i last saw them, guess it was hari raya? feel so good to be lepaking again. haha! hmmm other than that, nuthing much.

october...

there was hari raya...

raya with family =)


raya with muthafuckas =)


martini night with fizah at Giraffe..


raya with hewitt =)


raya with sweet devils =)


there was Hewitt Retreat Trip to Genting...






and b'dae party with Bb only at O'bar. so much fun, made him drink. haha. love you.


and there was surprise b'dae celebration thanks to babysister, nysha ;)






yup! looking forward to November! (padahal oct lum abis. hahaha)

i hate quarrels. esp with boifey. sucky sucky feeling.

Went Geylang Serai on Saturday night.